


You Can't Save Anyone

by Irhaboggles



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Depressing, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Prequel, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tragedy, V3 - Freeform, Violence, angsty, content warning, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28555680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irhaboggles/pseuds/Irhaboggles
Summary: Those were the words that haunted Kirumi Tojo ever since the tragic fate of one of her old masters. It was also why she was always so desperate to prove herself and take care of others. But perhaps there was a reason she heard those words every night in her head. Maybe there was a grain of truth to them. Maybe she couldn't save anyone, not even herself.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	You Can't Save Anyone

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Content warning for suicide and graphic depictions of violence!
> 
> But if anyone needs it, here is the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> And although I'm no therapist, if anyone needs someone to talk to, my DMs and email are always open to anyone/everyone!

Kirumi hadn't even realized she'd collapsed until she became vaguely aware of the feeling of something soft, the carpet, beneath her hands and knees. But still, the only thing she could do was to continue to stare up in horror with her eyes and mouth agape in dismay, disbelief and despair. A scream tore itself from her throat, but all that came out was a strangled gasp. Her eyes began to sting, but her mind was so blank from the trauma of what she was seeing that she wasn't even sure if she was crying, or if her eyes were just watering a bit more than usual. In fact, they didn't even feel like her own eyes at all. It didn't even feel like _her_ body… All she could focus on was the one dangling in front of her, strung up by its neck.

She'd only gone to her master's study to ask him what he wanted for lunch. She hadn't expected to find him _like this_.

 _No, no, no, nononono NO! This can't be happening! This can't be real! What even is…? I don't… I don't unders-… I… I don't…_ Kirumi couldn't even _think_ straight, so scarred was she by what her master had done to himself. She wasn't even aware when another servant cried out in the background, having walked past the room and seen Kirumi on her knees before the master's corpse. She wasn't even aware when that servant's scream alerted all the others. She wasn't even aware when all the others came rushing in. She wasn't even aware when their faces also twisted into masks of grief and horror at the sight.

Kirumi remained collapsed on the floor, still incapable of looking away from her master's body, eyes seeing everything and nothing. Even after the tide of servants had pushed forward, some of them even trying to get their master down, Kirumi could still only stare numbly on. Her eyes followed her master's body as some of the stronger butlers lowered him down and undid the noose. But she was still only half-seeing everything. And she only half-heard when one of the butlers, with sorrow and solemness in his voice, announced that it was still too late. The master was gone.

The rest of the day was spent in a gray, somber misery. Every face and room in the house was tainted by grief and mourning. None of the staff seemed sure of what to do, but who could blame them? Even the most competent and calm among them, even the ones who tried to bravely take charge of everything, were clearly shaken to their very cores. After all, none of them had been trained in what to do for situations like this! And for some of them, the worst part was how blindsided they had been. Kirumi fell into this category.

She remained on mental and emotional lockdown for the rest of the day. Despite being one of those more competent, calm, collected, capable workers, the shock of finding her master's body had rendered her totally immobile, physically and mentally. She'd needed to be carried out of the master's study after everything had been said and done, and even now it was hard for her to even formulate thoughts, let alone words. All she knew was that her master was dead, and already, a gnawing sense of guilt was forming in the pit of her stomach.

Even though everyone, including Kirumi herself, to some degree, knew that Kirumi was in no way to blame for what had happened, she still began to blame herself nonetheless.

"How could I have been so blind?" she asked herself, voice soft and choked with grief and shock. She was crying again, and this time, she was aware of it. But even though the tears burned, she considered that pain, combined with the humiliation of crying, as a suitable punishment for one as guilty and stupid as she.

"I am the Ultimate Maid! How could I not have seen any of the warning signs sooner?!" she demanded of herself, voice thick with anger and despair. She even clenched her fists and teeth as a fresh wave of tears burned down her face.

 _For me to make such a simple error… I have failed as a maid…_  
I do not care how you berate me!  
As a maid, I have made such a grave mistake…

For her to have failed to even catch a _glimmer_ of suicidal ideation in her master's behavior until it was too late felt like the deepest disgrace in the world. She felt so shameful, as though she'd dishonored the entire concept of maidhood just because she hadn't noticed anything sooner.

"A maid is supposed to be able to sense her master's thoughts and feelings! She is supposed to know what her master wants so as to provide him or her with better service! How could I have not seen _anything_?! Am I really _so blind_? …"

For the rest of the day, she remained alone in her private quarters, silently berating herself and even punching the walls a few times just because she really could not contain herself, and she had no idea what else to do. A small part of her felt guilty for not working even though some of her other coworkers were. But then another part of her felt so scared of messing up again that she didn't even _want_ to work. And it didn't help that the rest of the staff had silently agreed to give the young maid the rest of the day off.

No one pestered her about a single chore, all of them agreeing that she deserved to rest and they would not hold it against her. But that only made Kirumi feel even more useless and ashamed. But if her coworkers were not coming to her with instructions, did she risk bothering them by reaching out to ask? Or did she obey their silent commands and stay locked in her room where no one else could see her? Maybe it was better that way… A house without Kirumi trying to serve in it.

Even though none of the other servants held anything against Kirumi, heaven knew she was holding it against herself. It was amazing how much despair spread like a disease. She couldn't help but question the purpose of doing anything now that the master was gone. What were they even working towards now that he was no longer around? And thinking that she'd somehow had a hand in her own master's death made her ask even more questions. What was her _own_ worth and use and value if she couldn't even keep her master alive? Was she even any good if she let something so large slip through the cracks? And if not, then what was her purpose? What was the point of _her entire existence_ if she was so useless?

Throughout the entire rest of the day, all Kirumi could tell herself was this: _You can't save anyone!_

Even though Kirumi's talent had _not_ been apparent from birth, she'd always had the heart of a servant and protector, so it was no surprise when maidhood became her career of choice. The happiness of others became the reason she served. So to see this, now, a master who had killed himself while under her care, felt like the ultimate failure, and she suddenly put into question everything she'd ever done in her entire life.

_I thought I could. I thought I could help them. But I can't. I can't save anyone._

_I can't even save myself…_

ooo

Kirumi would chalk that day up as her greatest failure. Even if she would never tell another soul about it, _ever_ , the image of her master's corpse would haunt her for the rest of her life. It would never go away and she would never find peace. It would just be a grim reminder of what happened when a maid failed her master. It became a defining moment for Kirumi, the moment her almost feverish selfless devotion was born. She vowed on her life that she would never allow this sort of mistake to _ever_ happen again. It was even part of the reason why she became so eerily good at reading people. After realizing how poor her skills must've been at the time, she spent every day of her life honing them to deadly perfection.

That was why, when the Killing Game began, Kirumi was so quick to pick up on all of her fellow students' mannerisms and mindsets, especially Ryoma's. Whether he knew it or not, he carried with him a certain sort of aura that she had seen only a few other times before. One of those times had been with her master, even though she hadn't realized it until much later. It had been a painful thing to realize in retrospect, but by then, Kirumi had been so bent on punishing herself that she forced herself to look every ugly truth dead in the eye. And one of those truths had been that although her master had been actively trying to hide his suicidal behavior, he had indeed left clues (both intentional and not) behind, and Kirumi had missed every single one of them.

But the sting of that realization had felt like a fair punishment, so she'd allowed herself to feel every inch of that agony without trying to alleviate it at all. And that had led into the second time she felt that same, heavy aura, only this time, it had been around herself. Yes, there had been a period of time in which it became Kirumi's turn to question her purpose in life and whether or not it was even worth sticking around for. Ultimately, her decision to serve the people had prevented her from taking any sort of drastic actions (for she considered a life of servitude to be a worthy punishment for herself), but she could not deny that those thoughts used to linger in her mind just as much as they lingered in her master's, and Ryoma's. After all, what was a better punishment for one who wanted to die than being forced to live?

Ryoma had dropped many hints about his own suicidal nature, enough so that even some of the dimmer students could sense that something was very wrong with him. But only Kirumi seemed to see the true extent of the matter. Or at the very least, she was the only one to really act upon it. The others were, understandably, rather preoccupied with this strange and terrifying Killing Game they had all been thrust into. But even though even Kirumi found herself trying to puzzle together how to escape Hope's Peak, her subconscious mind had stored away all of Ryoma's little clues and when the time came for Kirumi to rise up, she knew exactly who her desired victim would be.

"Ryoma…"

It was strange and sad to see such a sweet young woman with such a graceful presence turn into such a cunning, conniving monster, but her previous master's suicide had _changed_ her. In many ways, she was still the same old Kirumi Tojo that she had always been, but after going through something like that, a part of her very soul had become blackened and disillusioned. Some of her sweetness had turned to bitterness and become a shield that she hid her true emotions behind. As such, as horrible as it was, she felt almost no remorse as she plotted Ryoma's murder.

Of course she took no pleasure in it, and it was not necessarily something she _wanted_ to do, but it was something she _had_ to do. And as she had even told the student body before, in her opinion, the proper way for a maid to conduct herself was to push aside all her personal feelings and opinions in the name of serving her master. And this time, for Kirumi, it was the entire nation of Japan. If killing Ryoma was what she had to do to serve and protect them, then she would do it, her own personal feelings be damned…

Besides, she knew she was dead on the mark that Ryoma was suicidal. And she knew all too well how horrible the feeling was. In her mind's eye, she wasn't just choosing the easiest target. She was offering up a mercy kill. End Ryoma's life, give him the peace he thought he could never achieve on his own. Kirumi could help him with that. After all, hadn't there been a time when she felt just the same? When all she'd needed was a little push? But the difference was that she never got hers. But Ryoma would get his. Kirumi would make certain of that. For _everyone's_ sake.

Then his suffering would be over. And in a strange way, Kirumi envied that. Because she no longer had the luxury or privilege of dying. She'd given her life and death up in service to her people. She no longer had permission to leave. As Angie would rightly point out later, while Ryoma didn't have enough to live for, Kirumi had too much. Ryoma couldn't save anyone, but Kirumi _could_. That was why she _had_ to live. She alone could save and protect everyone. So she _had_ to survive, even if she would be the only one. She couldn't afford to die until she'd atoned for her past mistakes and prevented new ones from happening. She was looking forward while Ryoma had been looking back.

And perhaps this sharp contrast was just another reason why Kirumi knew Ryoma would be the perfect target. He was offering up his life to her, so why not take it? It was either that, or killing a student who _didn't_ want to die. Because even if they all had to die in order for Kirumi to live, at least she could say that all the other deaths were Monokuma's fault and not her own. She was offering a mercy to Ryoma just because she saw shades of herself in him. And although it pained her to sacrifice the other students, being a maid sometimes required such difficult decisions.

But it didn't matter whether it was pragmaticism, mercy or even a touch of envy that spurred Kirumi's next actions. Ryoma was dead either way. And as Kirumi watched his body being ripped to shreds by hungry piranhas, although she did feel a twinge of guilt and grief, she could only hope that Ryoma was in a better place now, finally free to rest. But _Kirumi's_ battle was only just beginning…

ooo

"If it is for my sake, then it would be much easier to forfeit," Kirumi began calmly. "But I cannot allow that! Because I must do this for everyone!" she continued, starting to grow desperate. It was a truth none of the other students wished to accept, but more and more evidence was starting to point towards Kirumi as the culprit. And Kirumi's own decaying mental and emotional states were doing no favors. Instead, her composure was crumbling. She hadn't broken down like this in years, but she was getting close to a repeat…

Oh! Why was it so hard to keep herself in check?! Why did it feel like all her demons and ghosts coming back to haunt her _right now_?! Was it some sort of punishment?! Were they still mad at her for what she'd failed to do all those years ago?! Did they still hate her _that_ much?!

"I have...a duty… and a responsibility..." Kirumi clenched her fists and teeth in attempt to remain calm, struggling to speak over the loudness of her heart. "I must serve everyone and protect them! So I refuse to surrender! They won't forgive me if I do!"

There was a ragged note of desperation in her voice as she said that last sentence, and a few of the students gave her concerned looks. _They won't forgive me if I do_? Kaito even rightly questioned Kirumi on her choice of phrasing, and the maid cursed herself for her increasing foolishness. She was letting her emotions get the best of her again. Hadn't she learned the first time how stupid such behavior was of her?!

"I am so sorry for the mess I have made," she sighed, forcing her face back into its usual calm, polite serenity. "It is all of _you_ , of course!" she tried to give them a beatific smile, but the students were no longer so quick to join her side. Instead, as the web of lies began to unwind, against all odds and expectations, the students steadily began to turn against the Ultimate Maid…

"I do not care what becomes of me, but I will not allow any of you to die! So, please believe me! You have to!" she begged desperately as the trial continued to turn out of her favor. She was scared now, not just for herself, but for the entire nation. It really did all hinge on this one trial, and if she lost, it would be game over for everyone. She would never be able to save anyone, she would never be able to atone…

"What truth!?" the maid finally demanded of the detective, her true emotions shining through the growing cracks in her once-calm façade. The anger that had laid dormant in her heart for years was finally coming to light. All that remained was frustration and hatred. She _had_ to get them to understand, she _had_ to! Everyone's lives were at stake! And only _she_ could fix it! She _had_ to get them to see…

"All you care about is your _own_ reasoning! You don't even _listen_ to others!" the maid continued to snarl, eyes flashing. She looked terrifying. "I can't bet everyone's lives on a deduction made by a self-righteous _brat_! … You can't save _ANYONE_!"

And in the moment Kirumi shouted out her truest fears, projecting them onto Shuichi, she felt her own heart shatter in her chest. The trial wasn't over, but the moment those words left her lips, she knew in her heart that she had lost. All of her reasons to live were now going to become all her reasons to die. Shuichi, that cursed brat, was going to win. Even if it was true that Kirumi deserved to live more because she could _do_ more, she hadn't been wrong when she'd told Shuichi how brilliant he truly was. And that was why Kirumi was so scared. She was all too aware of how dangerous an opponent Shuichi truly was. She had read him correctly.

"I'm doing this _because_ I want to save everyone," Shuichi replied calmly, pleading and sad. In a perfect contrast to Kirumi, his confidence was waxing as hers was waning, and even though it was an emotional moment for both of them, Shuichi remained genuinely empathetic while Kirumi had since hardened her heart to the boy she had once respected and admired enough to almost call a master.

Then at long last, the trial came to a close.

"Oh, to end like this..." Kirumi gave a rueful sigh and smile, composure coming back to her now that the game was over. She'd lost again. "Perhaps the truth will be easier to believe if you witness it with your own eyes," she said, looking towards Monokuma. He gave his obnoxiously cheerful giggle before turning to her motive video…

"That is why I needed to escape," the maid said calmly as the video came to a close. Everyone's eyes and mouth were agape with awe and horror.

"So she… is the _prime minister_?" one of the students gasped. A few others also made noises of worry and discontent. What had once been triumph had turned into despair. Even if Kirumi _was_ the Blackened, after watching her motive video, the others couldn't help but agree with her actions.

Kirumi gave them all a dark, pained smile as she nodded.

"Sacrificing you all meant saving the lives of men, women, children, and elderly. And I...wanted to live…" her voice broke off as visions of her old master swirled around her mind. It was one memory she wished she'd forgotten. Until she'd repaid her debt to society, she could not die. Until she'd managed to save everyone and do what neither Ryoma nor Shuichi nor even her past self could do, she had to survive. Because she was the only one who could! _That_ was why she had to live. It would be selfish of her to give up and die now when so many people needed her help.

"That's right!" she murmured, talking to herself just as much as she was talking to the others. "I must survive! Because I carry the weight of an entire nation on my shoulders. I would not have killed Ryoma if I was so easily deterred. This request will not be fulfilled until I have brought joy to every citizen of this nation... So no matter what, I cannot die! That is why I killed Ryoma! Even now, I refuse to give up! I've come too far!"

Her composure began to slip again, the inner demon taking control and turning into a roaring beast. The other students flinched back in horror and fear as Kirumi seemed to change right before their very eyes. Again, the sweet and motherly woman they had all come to know as a very dear friend morphed into an unrecognizable creature of raw rage, passion and desperation. It was like looking into the eyes of a cornered, wild animal. Monokuma seemed to delight in Kirumi's meltdown and all but sung out his favorite catchphrase.

"Let's give it everything we've got! It's… _punishment time_!"

The room was filled with so much noise. From Kirumi's raw and feral screams of determination as she tried to flee, to Monokuma's high-pitched cackling, to the other students begging for her to escape, and then it only got worse once the execution began properly. An angry mob materialized out of thin air, cornering Kirumi again. The maid looked frantic as they surrounded her, drawing ever closer, waiting to tear her apart. But then a thorny vine dropped down from the ceiling, offering Kirumi a way out… if she could make her way up. The maid showed no hesitation as she grabbed onto the vine, hissing in pain as the thorns pierced her skin, but dragging herself up along its length nonetheless.

Then, even when buzzsaws began to protrude from the walls, screaming as they spun around in circles trying to slice at Kirumi's exposed body, the maid continued to climb with a look of grim but resolute determination, narrowing her eyes as she continued to drag herself up through the gauntlet of agony. Attacked on all sides, it was as passionate and overwhelming as her own fury, but still she persisted.

 _I have to escape! I will LIVE! I REFUSE TO DIE IN A HELLHOLE LIKE THIS!_ She continued to think as she made her way up higher and higher. She could still hear the angry mob cursing her name below, chorused with the students crying out for her to keep going. And she could even hear the sounds from the day her master took his own life.

She could hear him, gasping for air as he died. She could hear the others crying out in dismay and disbelief and horror. She could feel them all watching her with the same level of intensity. So much hinged upon this one little execution, and whether or not she could overcome it. She could feel their eyes piercing her like the thorns, everyone she had ever known, watching over her and demanding to know whether she would swim or sink. She could even feel Ryoma's apathetic gaze. Was he hoping to see her succeed? Or fall?

But what did it matter in the end? As clever and talented as Kirumi was, she was still not perfect, and she was no match for Monokuma and his wicked despair. In the end, she had been duped once again, led astray for a second time. Her first crime had been the crime of inaction, doing nothing as her first master took his own life. Her second crime had been overaction. Despite all her best efforts, the execution had been finalized long before she even committed a murder. The game was over before it had started and Kirumi had lost again.

_You can't save anyone…_

_You can't save anyone…_

_You can't save anyone…_

Not her master. Not her coworkers. Not Kaede or Rantaro. Not Ryoma. Not the other students. Not Shuichi. Not the nation of Japan. Now the world was going to keep on turning _without her_ , for better or worse, and whatever help she might've been able to offer was never going to happen. Just like her master before her, it was over, and there was nothing more she could offer to anyone. She'd screwed up again, she'd failed as a maid. And now, her last chance was gone forever…

_I thought I could. I thought I could help them. I thought I could earn redemption. I thought I could fix things. But I can't. I can't save anyone._

_I can't even save myself…_

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Sorry for such a sad one, I guess Kirumi's "you can't save anyone!" affected me more than I thought it would and I came up with this whole horrible headcanon as to why she's so obsessed with helping/saving everyone.
> 
> But if anyone needs it, here is the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> And although I'm no therapist, if anyone needs someone to talk to, my DMs and email are always open to anyone/everyone!


End file.
